Life is elusive. Life is a magical journey. Life is a creative masterpiece.
Friends, let's boil this down to one statement that feels less beautifully crafted and more bluntly practical: Life is a mess.
Am I right? (I'm totally right.)
I am currently navigating myself through the messiest part of a mess, and it feels awful! For anyone who has read Pink Panties & Other Life Lessons, you know that when life gets messy, I want to run away to a cave with twinkle lights. I've googled it. It's a thing. I'm packing my bags now.
Perhaps I should back up. Let's start at the beginning.
Last year, I witnessed a public shooting during a graduation ceremony. (Did I not tell you that life is messy?) I am fine and I am safe, but that was a traumatic event that had consequences on my life. I started having nightmares that scary things were happening and I was not able to use my voice. I was unable to warn people around me to get out of the way or to leave the area. I would wake up screaming in bed...except I wasn't screaming. No sound was coming out of my mouth. I had no voice.
To remedy this, I started taking vocals lessons. I decided this was the best way to strengthen my voice and to bring my confidence back. It worked! After just 3 lessons, the nightmares stopped! Huzzah!
Then came the issue of the Fall Showcase. This is similar to a recital, where all of the students get to perform whatever they are currently working on to a crowd of incredibly supportive friends and families. I signed up...and then backed out one week before the show. Too scary. Not for me. Why is this even necessary for me to do?
I continued taking lessons, which meant that time went on and suddenly the Spring Showcase was on the horizon. I said no. Then I said yes. Then I quit singing lessons so that the decision wasn't even a decision anymore. THEN, one month prior to the show, several people - including myself - talked me into it.
Battle paint on. Let's do this. Practice, practice, and then practice some more. My goal was to put myself in a scary situation but to maintain control of my voice.
So there I stood. On stage for the very first time in my life. The lights really are incredibly bright, was my first thought. My second thought was, I don't think I practiced enough.
From the opening notes, I knew I wasn't going to meet my goal. My voice was shaking. (Why is it doing that? How do I stop that?) My legs were shaking. (Can the audience see this?) My mind was shaking. (Listen to all of those notes that you're not hitting. Wow - you're really bombing this.)
Important Sidenote: The performance really was just fine. I eventually watched the recording and I sounded like a person who is a little bit nervous but who sang a pretty song.
Regardless of what did or did not happen, I walked off the stage, stood in the back of the theater, and started crying. I cried for two days. I felt awful. I felt like I failed myself. I had one teeny tiny goal. After a year of working, learning, and practicing, I couldn't even make that one little goal. I felt embarrassed that I made myself so very vulnerable in front of a group of both friends and strangers. Everybody saw me fail, I kept telling myself.
People told me not to worry. Give it a few days, you'll start feeling really great about it. You'll be so happy you did it. It's been a few weeks now and I still do not feel these things. Instead, there is guilt and shame that I do not feel the things that people are telling me I should feel. Come on, Danielle, what's wrong with you?
See, I told you. Life is messy. Google - prep the cave. I'm on my way.
I have had many insights during this time, and I know that several years from now I will view this as a transformative event in my life. For now, this is what I want to say. Once in a while, life is a kick in the butt. We are going to feel all the feels every time this happens. We are going to have all of the crazy thoughts (even when we know they're crazy and we'd really prefer to stop having them). We are not meant to STOP these events from happening. That's not a realistic goal. What we can work towards is creating a smoother and quicker recovery time.
Is the midst of the messiness, here is what I have been doing. This is not a magic equation that solves all of the problems. It is simply a testament to how I am navigating my path.
- Community: What are we without our people? I have cried on shoulders, leaned into hugs, and continued to connect. This has been hard because my instinct was to pull away! If Brene Brown has taught me anything it is that vulnerability quickly leads to a shame spiral if we do not continue to connect.
- Reiki: I have practiced self-Reiki, though during times of difficulty, self-Reiki can be a challenge. I have used Reiki Blossoms as a connection tool. I requested Reiki from this amazing group and have felt the benefits. I have also had an official Reiki session. Asking for help is AWFUL when you are feeling low, but it is also the solution (dammit).
- Akashic Records: It took me three weeks, but I finally sat down and entered my Records. I was scared of what they would tell me so I resisted! Turns out there was a lot of helpful information in there. All of it made sense and helped me to understand not only the situation but my reaction to it. I'm telling you...the Akashic Records is the coolest thing I have ever learned how to do and it is also the most useful tool that I offer to others. Don't know why it keeps surprising me.
- Coaching: How lucky am I to have a good friend who is also a coach? How lucky am I to have a good friend who is a coach who loves to trade for Akashic Records sessions? Very lucky. I had an incredibly helpful coaching session. My homework from this session was to craft a way to share my experience with others. The vulnerability of what I did felt like too much. The answer? Lean in, continue to be vulnerable.
- Yoga: Our emotions and our thoughts get stuck in the physical body. Thank goodness for yoga! It is helping me to move all of the muscles and meridians and keep the energy flowing. I need to feel what I need to feel but I don't want the energy to get stuck in the process.
- Crystals: My happy buddies? Where would I be without them?! I am thankful for my knowledge of which stones are grounding, which help to process emotions, and which provide clarity. Also, so sparkly and pretty!
In my news feed this morning, a great article popped up about how feeling awkward is the thing that creates strong leaders. (Lemme tell you, I must be an amazing leader.) Here is one line that hit home: "In a world where many equate influence with volume, bravado, or power, I’ve come to believe that real influence—the kind that changes people, builds trust, and sustains movements—is built on humility. Not the performative kind, but the kind born from lived disorientation."
Lived disorientation. This is what I experienced and what I am processing. If we are going to be the leaders in our own lives, this is what we can expect to move through over and over again. We cannot prevent this but we can utilize all of our tools to help us process and then thrive.
The Salty Blossom is a community. Reiki Blossoms is a community. Lean in. I'm here for it. Let's do this. (And also, don't mind me if I start crying.)
Signing off from the middle of the mess,
Danielle